


Lower Than Deep

by epicallyducky



Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Teenagers!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 06:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4210695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epicallyducky/pseuds/epicallyducky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I'm alright now</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Come on baby</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I've seen all</i>
  <br/>
  <i>The demons</i>
  <br/>
  <i>That you've got."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lower Than Deep

**Author's Note:**

> guess who's back
> 
> okay so while i was proof reading this i realized that this could sort of be a sequel to my other fic Bad Day? maybe? it can be a standalone tho, that was the original intention anyway

His legs are moving.

His arms are just a little too hot and yet freezing at the same time. He can't see where he's going but he finds that he honestly could not care less. The rain pours down around him and the cracks of thunder and the flashes of lightning should be making him flinch; should be making him turn around and run the other way and just  _go back home_ like he knows he should.

But he doesn't.

He knows he's being followed, but not at the same pace as him. He knows this forest like it's the back of his hand, and he has seen the back of his hand a lot. Day after day of wasting ink on small doodles he wears around school with pride even when other people look down on them, expressions of amusement mixed with disgust etched onto their faces. He tries not to care, he tries not to care every single damn day but he knows that if he thinks that no one else cares then he should be the last man standing. He knows that he is his only hope, even when he stares at the clock on his wall at night or at the watch on his wrist in the daytime and thinks that there is no hope. Hope stands by on the sidelines as he tries to wrestle life into the ground and try not to tap out before life does. Hope stands and looks at him; watching. Waiting. Either waiting for him to tap out or for him to win, he does not know.

His sleeve snags onto a branch but he quickly frees it, back to running through soft soil and wet rocks right after. He doesn't know when he will stop. He doesn't know if he'll be caught up to before he decides to stop, and both thoughts are equally terrifying; it makes him work his legs harder.

 _"Sean!"_ The voice echoes through the forest despite being weighed down by the rain. The sound reaches his ears and his heart pumps faster and his shoes dig deeper into the ground with every stride he takes. He shakes his head, narrows his eyes as raindrops mix with teardrops and it's a sensation he is all too familiar with. He glances up at the trees as he passes by them, seeing small patches of the night sky covered by clouds and rain fall down heavily onto his face. His chest heaves, his knees start to hurt as he steps upon unfamiliar ground. He doesn't know where he is anymore. The atmosphere has changed.

He needs to stop.

He almost slips on the rocky ground before taking a hard right, whipping his body to run behind a nearby tree. He shoves the side of his body against it, presses on wet bark and the feeling of his soaked hoodie on his body is unpleasant but he doesn't care.

_He doesn't care._

_Nobody cares._

Something starts to stream down his face and he doesn't know if it's his tears or the rain. He assumes it's both. His eyes dart around the dark forest and he forces himself to lean back against the tree to catch his breath. He hears the sound of footsteps; frantic running that makes him seethe and makes his jaw tighten but he doesn't move. The sounds get louder but they still sound distant. He knows that he needs to be found, but he doesn't want to be. He could die out in the forest in the rain. He takes a moment to consider the thought of death.

"Sean?" His breath hitches; a lump jumps up into his throat. He must have made a sound, because the next thing he knew a pair of strong, firm hands grasp at his shoulders. He resists the urge to scream.

He scowls, harder than he already has few seconds ago. Blue eyes meet brown and he chokes out a sob unintentionally, suddenly overwhelmed.

He really wants to scream. Scream as loud as he physically could at the top of his lungs. Scream up at the sky and up at the heavens he has sent all of his dreams and wishes to a million times before but have always given him a rain check. Scream at the rain, the thunder, and the lightning for never helping him on the days he needed help the most. Scream at the boy in front of him; the boy who has promised him that he would stay by his side when he needed someone. The boy who saved him all those years ago and has never once regretted it.

_He loves this boy._

"Go away." His voice is shaking, but it's still as firm as he intended. The face in front of him scrunches up in anger.

"No, I am  _not_ going to go away. I am  _not_ leaving you." The other boy says, voice wavering. The words hit his face and meet his ears and his scowl deepens. He struggles, trying to rip his shoulders away from the other boy's grasp but then he hears a growl and his back is pushed roughly back against the tree.

"Mark. Go. Away." Venom drips through his voice but it does not reach the boy stated. Mark takes a step closer to his boyfriend.

"Sean, I'm not leaving you." A hand lifts off of his shoulders, almost hesitantly, and slowly moves to rest on the shorter boy's cheek. Sean lets out another sob at the gesture and he shakes his head frantically right after.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm here." Mark's other hand also moves now to rest on Sean's other cheek, fully cupping his face. Sean's hands fly to grip tightly at the fabric of Mark's shirt and Mark lets him. They're both soaked to the bone, their hair flat against their heads and foreheads and their clothes sticking uncomfortably to their bodies. Sean looks Mark over and feels a wave of guilt wash over him at the thought that Mark is probably going to be sick as all hell after this.

"I-" He manages to choke out, "I don't- I don't deserve you. Today- It was supposed to happen _today_ -" Sobs slip out of his mouth once more and Mark brings their faces closer together.

" _Stop saying that._ You are  _not_ doing it today. You're not going to do it today, you're not going to do it tomorrow, or next week. You're not going to do it anytime soon, not on my watch." Mark says sternly, forcing the other boy to look him dead in the eyes. Sad pinks and reds surround beautiful baby blues as tears continue to flow down Sean's face.

"And you  _do_ deserve me." Sean tries to shake his head at this but Mark's grip on his face holds him still. A crack of thunder rips through the air and Sean flinches, hands moving from Mark's shirt to Mark's wrists, gripping them like the world was going to end and the heavens told him that they were taking Mark away from him.

He wouldn't let them. He wouldn't let them take away the one good dream, the one good wish that had come true for him. The one dream that he still thinks he doesn't deserve but refuses to push away. He wouldn't know what to do without Mark in his life. Mark was his anchor when life was rough at sea and his wings when the skies would be hard on him. Sean has crashed and burned more times than he can count and Mark has been there to fix him when he needed to be fixed. Mark patched him up and whispered words of love and adoration and encouragement and other things Sean had never heard anyone say to him in his life before. When Sean had let Mark in, he knew that it was one of the best decisions he has made in his life, and majority of his decisions were bad ones.

This was one of those bad decisions.

Mark presses a kiss onto Sean's forehead and rests his head against the other boy's. The rain falls down around them and it's loud, maybe even a little too loud now but Sean can't hear it. He hears his heart pounding in his chest and the pulse of the veins in his wrist. The cliff was only a few more meters away, he would have made it if he hadn't had gotten lost. He didn't plan this far ahead. He expected that he would pass out while running since the cliff was a lengthy distance from his house. He had waited for Mark to fall asleep next to him before he got out of bed and ran out of the house as fast as he could. It was already raining heavily and around ten minutes later he could hear frantic footsteps following his and he curses Mark for being such an idiot.

The two boys stand by the tree. Soaked, uncomfortable, and on edge. Mark doesn't want to say anything until he gets some affirmation from Sean that he's calm enough to talk to him. The raven-haired boy watches as his boyfriend sobs and sobs and shakes his head, and Mark knows that he needs to start talking now if he wants this to go anywhere.

"Sean," He says softly, "Sean, look at me, babe." He says, a little louder this time, and the brunet looks up to lock eyes with him. Mark's heart squeezes inside his chest at the sight before him, taking in his boyfriend's tear-stained face and red eyes.

Mark takes in a deep breath, eyes flickering over different areas of Sean's face. "This isn't the right thing to do." Mark starts. "I know, that this is probably what you want to do. You want to do this. I know that you've been planning this for a few days now; but let me tell you something." He chews on his bottom lip, glancing to the side before looking back at the boy in front of him.

"Four years ago I saw that thing you did." Sean's eyebrows furrow in confusion before Mark continues. "You thought I was sleeping. Well, I  _was._ Then I realized that you weren't in the bed with me anymore. I got up and went to your bedroom window, and you know what I saw, Sean?" He asks but does not wait for an answer; the question rhetorical. "I saw you. In your front yard. With a cat. Yes, that cat. The orange and brown cat we would sympathize over every single day after school but would never do anything because your parents wouldn't let us keep it and my dad was allergic." Mark smiles fondly at the memory, and at the fact that Sean isn't sobbing as much as he was a few moments ago. He continues.

"I saw you feeding it, Sean. And when you came back inside I just got back into the bed to pretend to be asleep. A week later you asked me why the cat suddenly looked so healthy and I said that it was probably because someone was feeding it, and you agreed. You told me that it was a good thing that someone was taking care of her because, and I quote,  _'It would fucking suck if she died'_ , and you know what? You know what, Sean?" Mark runs his thumbs over his boyfriend's face and takes a moment to watch his face. Sean shakes his head a small bit and Mark brings his face closer once more.

"It would fucking suck if you died." Mark manages to get out, his voice suddenly weighing a thousand tons in his throat. Sean's gaze rips away from his and Mark lets him.

"Think about how much better it would be for everyone if I just-" Sean starts suddenly but Mark decides that he is going to have none of it.

" _Think_ about how much  _worse_ it would be for everyone if you just...  _Left._ " Sean winces at how the other boy says the last word but Mark keeps going.

" _Think_ about how many people would be at your funeral, crying and sobbing and apologizing because they think it's their fault, when in reality it  _is_ their fault but I know that you would never admit that.  _Think_ about how long your parents would be in mourning over their youngest child who they know is brave, and strong, and the child who has fought the hardest and tried their hardest.  _Think_ about how cold your bed would be and how stale the air of your room would be and how much it would  _break me_ to even make a single  _step_ inside it.  _Think_ about the fact that I would have nothing, absolutely  _nothing_ to look forward to when I wake up every single day.  _Think_ about how the sky would always be dark and gray for me; how I would look up and never see the sun again knowing that my sun decided to burn out before he got to see himself shine. Think about how the sun doesn't realize how beautiful he is because he's never stared into a mirror long enough to see. Think about how someone had to  _tell him_ that he was beautiful and yet he still doesn't believe it. Up until this very day." Mark swallows, throat dry all of a sudden. He continues.

"Think about how much I would cry over you; about how much I would never stop blaming myself for not being able to save the one boy I truly and deeply love. Think about yourself, Sean. Think about yourself, think about your family, think about your friends, think of all those dreams you always tell me you'll reach someday-"

"Think about  _me._ " Mark's voice cracks and Sean opens his mouth to say something but hesitates before closing it again. Sean stares at his boyfriend, drenched clothes and all. He searches through the other boy's brown eyes to find an evident amount of pleading and desperation, twinkles of love here and there, but those are always there no matter what situation they're in. There's another thing Sean can see and the word for it is on the tip of his tongue. It's the thing he feels when he wakes up to Mark in the morning; the feeling whenever he sees that cat, it's the feeling he feels whenever he looks up at the sky when he walks with Mark to school and the feeling he feels whenever he sees his parents. He sees the feeling he feels every time he's with the amazing and wonderful boy standing in front of him. He sees something that he's been trying to get on his side for as long as he can remember, and now he realizes that it was on his side all this time.

He sees hope.

Sean lunges forward, wrapping his arms around Mark's neck and burying his face into the crook in between his neck and shoulder. Mark doesn't hesitate a second later to wrap his arms around Sean's lower body and pull him closer to him, resting his chin on top of Sean's head. Mark feels the other boy's chest heaving and Mark reaches up to rub Sean's back soothingly, knowing that it always helped. The rain is still pouring, but the thunder and lightning are gone, and Sean is more than grateful for it. He tightens his grip for a second and Mark squeezes back reassuringly. They stand like that for a while; just holding each other and slowly taking note of the fact that this is the lowest they have ever seen Sean like. This has been his lowest and worst point, and Mark hopes that this is the last time he will be able to see it.

"Let's go home." Sean croaks out a few minutes later. Their clothes are wet and they'll probably be sick and scolded at by their parents the next day but they both find that they could not care less.

Mark smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> title and summary are from the song Twilight Galaxy by Metric. Shoutout to [Elgan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Elgan/) (tumblr user bisexualjse) for mentioning this song some time ago. It became my jam for a while.


End file.
